“Thank you for the brokenheart. And thank you for the permanent scar, ‘coz if it wasn’t for you I might forget how it feels to let go, how it feels to get a brand new start..” that’s the lyrics of J Rice’s song ‘ Thank You for the Broken Heart ‘ and that’s my song to the person I used to love–miel.
I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years with this person who is 4 years older than me. We don’t have the kind of relationship I used to dream of. Our worlds only rotates to each other. He will cancel his appointments just so I can’t go out with my friends, but his efforts were exceptional.
There’s no doubt I’ve loved him with all of me, but that leaves a huge question mark for me, Am I not good enough? I caught him cheating on me several times but of course no cheater will acknowledge their mistakes, instead they will put the blame on you. So after knowing he cheated on me, I still gave him a chance, and a chance, and a chance and a chance. What? I loved him and yes I’m kinda martyr. But ofcourse even though he cheated on me, he still does great things for me, I felt that he loved me but not as strong as he loved his first nor his second and even his third! lol, but the effort he exerted just to travel 1 hour going to my place leaves a huge impact. I loved him unconditionally and even prayed and dreamed of having a family with him. Even on my 3rd year anniversary of being single, I still loved him. I stalk his social media account as well as his sisters’ just to have an update of him.
I did had a hard time moving on, they told me to cut my hair so I can start moving on and it took me 3 hairstyles but I was still into him. I buried myself in work so I won’t think of him, I started hanging out with my friends just so I cannot remember the pain. But at the end of the day, I find myself staring blankly to something not realizing my tears had fallen from my eyes. Asking myself what have I done? Why can’t I have the chance I’ve given you? Why do you have to leave me when I needed you the most?( I was diagnosed of having a colitis and hirschsprung disease). I tried to make things work with him but I failed. He is just happy without me in his life, and I was miserable without him in mine.
We have lot’s of good memories but it was overshadowed by the arguments, confrontations, him cheating on me and the lies that we both throw to each other. But I’m okay now. People who knew us being a couple before asked me “What if he comes back? What if he want you back in his life again?” my answer is always “He will always have a special part in my life, But would I settle to this kind of person? No.”
I have moved on, and for being single for 7 years I can say I’m happy. For sure I miss those petty quarrels and stuffs but having a relationship with myself and HIM made me contented and happy.
My unsolicited advise is, just go with what you are feeling, wanna chase (please chase with good intention. Don’t try to hurt and stalk that person him/her?) that person? Go for it, people might tell you the otherwise but atleast there’s no ‘ What ifs’ running to your mind while moving on. It might be happy ending or extra pain but that’s fine, it will only help you to move on and realize it’s not really worth fighting for anymore. No closure? Sometimes not having a closure is a closure, think and tell to yourself “I’ve lived my life to the fullest before meeting him/her, I can do the same thing again after”. And PLEASE, don’t even try to think of committing suicide or trying to hurt yourself. Even if you do that it will only make the matter worst, will he come back to you? Maybe yes out of pity but more on no. Don’t blame yourself just because your relationship failed, don’t apologize because it failed. Instead be grateful because it will give you the chance to grow, it will give you the knowledge of how to love and respect yourself more than anyone else, it will give you the chance to meet the right one and be happy with your life. Be thankful because it will make you stronger and start a brand new life.
“Move on for a better you instead of moving on to stay the same you.”